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1996-02-14
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5KB
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90 lines
Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame
Anon
Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people--many of whom use
their stupidity for personal gain.
From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new
levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave men
and women--ooops, "women and men"--we present the highest possible honor:
entry into the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."
The following are their accounts ...
Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash
machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup
truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they
pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove
home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper
still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still
attached to the bumper.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag
of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was
substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested
immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded
all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he
fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at
customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the
customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a
"handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his
swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was
found in the golf bag.
Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman
decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day
Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can
you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her
house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."
Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western
movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman,
who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in
damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided
the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun,
announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and
realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and
stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was
recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located
elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing
the camera.)
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement
through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the
process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from
where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he
had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone
and dialed "911" for help ...
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a
refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a
refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The
truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that
the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc.,
they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup
truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they
abandoned it.
(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store
similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change.
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for
all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man
took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the
counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen
dollars.
END
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